April 6

Pork Barrel, no longer just a tasty snack.

The U.S. government appropriates billions of "excess" dollars every year to go to fund local projects, and cnn.com has recently posted some of those projects on their website. Some examples include funding for a teapot museum, a bridge leading to nowhere, and "berry research." Now I know these pressing issues certainly require more attention then a terribally expensive foreign war, but I feel they missed a few key projects.

1. the "fund my broke ass through college"...fund. This is necesary in order to ensure future generations of liberals and conservatives so that this site shall never parish from the face of this earth (alright so i might have borrowed that last line from Abe "stumblin, bumblin, emancipating" Lincoln).

2. Buy off the south. I know you're asking yourself "what sucks more then anything ever?" Well, you already know the answer to that question lies below the mason dixon line. We don't necesarily need to give funding to such a project, but I propose we buy the south off with dvd seasons of dukes of hazzard for their eternal silence.

3. Operation: Paris to the Sun, is diagramed below...

Thats probably pretty self explanatory.

Winner: Democrats, you know theyd come up with the same kind of shit.

Im gonna go email these ideas to congress.

March 7

Well well well, it's been more then a month since ive updated, which im sure must have flustered quite a few of you avid followers (like in a cult! :-D). The reason for my absence is that i was off campaigning for the next presidential election. I already know the location of the opposing political parties headquarters, and ive found an intern willing to give me head, so be sure to vote for whatever my name is in the next election.

Anyway, back to business...

Vice President Dick "shoot first, identify as a bird later" Cheney recently stated his discontent in Iran producing nuclear weapons. He is joined in this arguement against Irans nuclear proliferation with the Russian government.

Im going to let that sit in for a second....that should do it.

The two former cold war super powers are dictating nuclear proliferation (even though to be honest, the Russians were never really that "super"). But that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that we are interfering with a nations soveriegn rights to persue their own interests. I mean sure the western nations would be in as much danger as a 78 year old texan attorney on a quail hunting trip, but who are we to tell people what they can and cannot do (unless maybe you're a minority, a woman, gay, pregnant, or are from an Asian, African, European, South American, or Austrailian continent. Why not Antarctica? They're cool. get it?)

I guess a people whos alphabet has so many weird looking letters can't be trusted

Winner: Republicans, Controlling the World since the year 2000.

Im gonna go play my favorite board game "Angry, Angry Muslims"

February 2

After the presidents recent state of the union (hey, it's better then a "state of the confederacy") he has found it necesary to take action on all the crazy shit he's been talking about for years.

One of the issues facing the nation today is the state of the budget. Now, the house just passed a bill putting cuts on medicaid, and student loans. Okay, if you want to let sick poor people die that's one thing. (natural selection right?) But if you expect to take away large sums of money from overweight, lazy, pot smoking college students, then you've got something else coming.

Acctually, the US gov. might have something going here. If Bush keeps cutting money that would otherwise make people more knowledgeable, then eventually everybody might be completely stupid an ignorant (like in the south!)

This way Bush might be able to continue doing whatever the fuck he wants and nobody would have shit to say about it. I mean, of course the American people would be screwed harder then Paris Hilton in an amateur home video, but at least we'll have the stable, oppressive, totalitarian, regime that everybody dreams of (like france!...i don't even know where that came from)

Winner: King George the Bush

Im gonna have to start pulling over time at linens n' things if i expect to pay for this crap.

January 20

Many are aware now of the recent video tape released of Osama bin Laden making terrorist threats against the United States but also offering a truce at the same time.

Im not even going to comment on that because i think it pretty much just cancels itself out anyway. The oddest thing about this however is that the United States government has issued a statement saying that they wouldn't honor this truce. Now i wouldn't expect our government to just up and quit, but i wouldn't expect them to take a course of action that is comparable to rape. On one hand we have bin Laden who would play the role of the nine year old boy in the basement who just wants to end the suffering or in some cases be "somewhere else," and on the other we have the United States which will play the role of the drunken step father.

I guess we can conclude that the US is going to keep pumping in more men then richard simmons at his...house?

It's hard to tell which side can take it

Winner: Republicans if this is the same cowboy shananigans you're used to, or Democrats if you think people will now realize how retarded this plan is.

Im going to go start stocking up duck tape, ply wood, gas masks, canned soup, and hookers.

January 16

Nuclear power has proved quite valuable in our nations existance. It has powered our homes, businesses, abortion clinics, and strip joints for decades. I would go on to further comment on its uses on the japanese during world war two, but that might be in bad taste....oh hell we eraditcated the japanese are you happy?

With that in mind do we want other nations to obtain nuclear energy that could very well be used against our nation (or israel.) The government has recently been discussing a military option in the event that Iran (remember "axis of evil") does get this energy, even though it could very well prove beneficial to the well being of their nation. Now granted Iran is sketchier then well..me...we can't avoid the possibility that they're really trying to further develop their nation.

On second thought weren't these the same guys that want to wipe an entire nation of jews off the earth. Last time I checked the US was opposed to stuff like that. But on that note what other stuff are we opposed to. Are we going to see other nations quest for development as threats to our national security. Our nations course of action would be as follows. Intellegence Officer: "Oh shit those peruvians are making decorative hats!" General: "Get the bombers in the air damnit! And someone get me the President!"

I guess any action taken leading to armed conflict would be led by those bloodthirsty republicans. But then again the democrats are pussies.

Winner: Republicans

Im gonna go write Hiroshima and Nagasaki "get well soon cards" then take a shower to try and cleanse myself of guilt.

January 2

A man once said "money makes the world go round." While he may have been right (disregarding other planetary forces, i.e. magic), money and business have had a common bond since this country was founded, and maybe even a little before that.

Business as it turns out is now gaining favor with the United States supreme court.

But just how far will the corporations go influencing their products in our government, not to mention throughout the nation. Should we now expect the washington monument to be shrouded in a gigantic rubber condom as advertisement? Will gay marriage now become legal in order to increase mesh tank top sales? Because I could really use a mesh tank top.

I guess this could very well be beneficial to our nation. Needless to say wed start making money like it was our job. People would go out and spend more money then Ted Turner in a southern pride that borders on racism and sympathy for the confederacy shop.

Have you ever heard of a rich Democrat?

Winner: Republicans

Im gonna go start investing in contraceptives while i still have the chance.

January 1 2006

Recent news reports indicate that the United States Central Intellegence Agency (as opposed to the Madagascarian Central Intellegence Agency) is short on spies which are valuable in the war on terror.

Now, i don't really get bothered by much, but i need some clarification here. Isn't the point of having spies that nobody knows they exist or something like that? We're basically saying that our a nation is as vulnerable to danger as helen keller piloting a helicopter over an active volcano.

We might as well start putting out headlines in our newspapers that say "Oh Shit Osama bin (fucking) Laden could be peeing on the American flag in front of the Licoln memorial right now and we wouldn't have a god damned clue."

If we really wanted to screw with the terrorists we could always advertise that we knew where they were hiding the whole time but we havn't aprehended them because we have been too busy diddaling our full chested blonde haired American women (touchdown.)

It's not that the democrats won, the republicans just lost...i guess...

Winner: (by default) Democrats

Im gonna go watch my neighbor sleep through a high powered telescope.

December 23

Well according to Rumsfeld, Bush is starting to remove troops from Iraq. Now I havn't even seen a president start pulling out of an intern, not to mention a foreign nation (within 10 years anyway.)

I guess this troop removal is justified however considering the "mission" was "accomplished" what like, a year ago? Well in that case why don't we just bring everybody home? First off, it's those whiney iraquis, "we don't have a government waaaaah, insurgents killed my family waaaaaah." Not to mention those shifty iranians are sitting over the border like "are we going to fuck you any more then we could after the americans leave?" The answer is no, they're already pretty well fucked.

In conclusion instead of taking more troops out of the country, we should start sending in more...bombs. But not where we have our troops stationed of course. We have to attack where we know our soldiers wont be, like at a school, hospital, or mosque. We already have that mentalitiy anyway. Kill em all, let allah sort them out.

Your war is crumbaling around you republicans.

Winner: Democrats

Im gonna go enlist...

December 21

So apparently we're in a bit of a defecit here. Now im not necesarily sure what that means, but i know that the only defecit ive experienced is when i couldn't get so much as a handjob when i had my own cash to pay for it.

Now, what the senate is doing to settle this issue is right on as far as screwing over old people. They voted to cut spending on federal programs such as medicare and medicaid.

This is a fantastic idea of course as a means of population control. First off, more useless old people are dying here creating room for the hot young attractive jessica albas of the future(swoosh! nothing but net.) second, the money used from cutting these programs is most likely being used to fund the war on terror. The blood of our enemies will flow like the rich oil reserves in our Alaskan wildlife refuge (which by the way is another idea to cut the defecit.)

Now ive been known to be a little old fashioned, but why can't we just have a giant nation wide bakesale? Well i'll tell you why! there aren't enough snickerdoodles in the world.

Look where voting got you now democrats

Winner: Republicans

im gonna go watch fantastic 4...

December 20

Well the U.S. Court System is at it again as some of you might have heard. And what is it you ask that everbody is getting so judicial about? have they settled a landmark case about abortion or even gay rights? No, it's about the idea of intellegent design being taught in classrooms. First of all, the idea of intellegent design sounds like it came from the mouth of some slack jawed yokell down in Mississippi (check out them spelling skillz), and the idea spread to the religious right like syrup spreads over Pat Robertsons crucifix shaped pancakes.

Masked as a scientific belief, (something about an all powerfull all knowing long haired forgiving subatomic particle), intellegent design believes that that there was an outside force (as opposed to evolution), that created the universe or whatever. Needless to say, the guy who came up with this idea spent several weekends in sunday school as a kid making figures of jesus out of popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners.

Naughty naughty republicans, don't think you can slip this one past us like you did that 2004 presidential election...

Winner: Democrats

if anybody needs me i'll be at ihop...