April 25

Jerry Falwell is a Crying Bitch
Cory Smith

Today, the U.S. Supreme Court dismissed Jerry Falwells case. Reverend Falwell, Retard, is wining about a website titled Fallwell.com because it not only misspells his name, but contradicts his views on homosexuals. Falwell claims that it infringes on his website, even though there are numerous disclaimers stating it has no connection whatsoever with Falwells website. Christopher Lamparello, the creator of Fallwell.com, is an openly gay man from New York.

So, what it really boils down to is that Falwell is a stupid bitch who cant handle opposition. I took the liberty to visit this nutjobs website. Sweet Jesus. This guy is out of his fucking mind. Not only does he have radically anti-gay views, but he claims that the anti-Christ will be Jewish.

Jewish.

As if anti-Semitism isnt rampant enough after Mel 'I dont hate Jews' Gibsons portrayal of them in The Passion of the Christ, we now have Jerry Falwell saying the devil is Jewish. Sweet.

In response to the American Airlines funding gay-rights movement, Falwell states 'American Airlines' funding of the gay-rights movement is astounding. Apparently, homosexuals arent people and dont deserve support. I guess we should go back to lynching them. I mean, God hates them right?

Falwell also has ridiculous articles denouncing Marilyn Manson and Dungeons and Dragons.

Yeah. Dungeons and Dragons. Those fuckers.

Winner: Homosexuals/Christopher Lamparello. Now all we need is for Falwell and anyone stupid enough to follow his bullshit to just shut the fuck up and crawl under a rock.

April 6

Do You Like Waiting in Line at the DMV? Then Youll Love Universal Health Care!

An editorial by Cory Smith

A bill requiring all Massachusetts residents to have health insurance passed through state legislation yesterday and barely Republican governor Mitt Romney is planning on signing it soon, perhaps after a few provisions are made. The plan involves huge government subsidiaries to help low income families and individuals to buy health insurance and, moreover, will require any establishment with eleven or more employees to help pay for its employees health insurance. The plan hopes to provide health insurance to 95% of the 500,000 uninsured residents which will cost around $225 million, which the state plans to pick up half the tab on. The next group it aims to help is the 200,000 or so people who dont qualify for Medicaid and cant afford their own insurance, which the state plans on paying off with subsidies. Another great innovation is that those who dont want to have insurance will be fined up to half of the amount of the cost of insurance.

If these measures arent bullshit enough for you, realize this: universal health care is a pain in the ass. Canada has it. Ive known people who needed urgent surgery and health care that had to leave the country because the wait list was entirely too long. Also, those middle class residents who choose not to have health insurance because they cant afford it are now going to be run into the ground. The companies that have to help pay for its employees insurance are almost definitely going to have layoffs, leaving many jobless. The majority of people are working on a tight, fixed budget and now Massachusetts wants to add another cost of living to them.

I wasnt really expecting to see much happen with universal health care in the near future but when youve got Massachusetts just above you I guess anything is possible.

Winner: Taxpayers? No. The middle class? No. The lower class? No. Anyone? I dont think so.

March 27

Wisconsin congressman Jim Sensenbrenner, Republican, proposed House Resolution 4437, which would make all undocumented immigrants felons and require all employers to verify the immigration status of its employees. The House has already passed this bill, and Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee has proposed a bill that would make it illegal for any immigrant to be in the country without proper documentation.

Now apparently to protest these bills, a bunch of Latinos in Wisconsin decided it would be a good idea to not go to work on Thursday and call it A Day Without Latinos. Im sorry, but Jesus, dont these people already have a bad enough reputation for not being good workers? And now theyre just leaving work?

Another thing: Theyre called illegal immigrants. Meaning its illegal for them to be in the country. And were JUST deciding to take make it a felony for them to be working here illegally? Am I the idiot here? And theyre complaining about the government getting pissed at ILLEGAL immigrants festering in the country?

I say we should make it a felony for companies to hire illegal immigrants as well. That way there wont be an incentive for them to employ illegal immigrants for much cheaper wages. Either that, or make it mandatory to pay illegal immigrants minimum wage. That way, employers wont be tempted to hire illegal immigrants for lower wages.

Or deport them all. I dont give a shit, Im in college. There isnt a single illegal immigrant here.

Winner: Obviously the Republicans, the Democrats are just sitting back in bitching while the Republicans are getting the votes. Did I even need to point out the winner?

February 2

A two year investigation in Colombia has finally ended. Officials found over 65 pounds of drugs which resulted in the arrest of 20 individuals. The most startling development on this story, however, is that cute, innocent purebred Labrador retrievers were involved in this drug ring. I use the term innocent loosely. These diabolical pups ingested packets of drugs which were kept in their stomachs in order to smuggle them from country to country. Think of it this way: if we cant trust puppies, who can we trust? Seriously, the last living thing on the earth any of us could trust were our puppies, who keep us company and are our loyal companions. And now theyre pushing drugs. I see one and only one solution.

The extinction of the canine.

It hurts me to say that. It really does. I love dogs as much as anyone, but dear God, we cannot allow these sellers and abusers to tromp around the earth, pissing their heroine soaked urine onto our clean fire hydrants.

Winner: Cats everywhere. And democrats. Democrats have always been pussies.

January 17

I am not going to lie to you anymore, America. Oprah Winfrey must be stopped. Sure, you may think she is a wonderful woman. She helps people on TV. She is soothing. She is ethnic, so you feel better for liking her. Well let me tell you something, scooter. Oprah is a selfish bitch. She happens to be one of the richest women in the world. Okay, listen. In 2003, Forbes magazine proclaimed her to be a billionaire. Im sitting here thinking to myself, well that is just wonderful. Kudos to her for achieving that much money I guess, but it sucks that she is claiming to be charitable and sweet. Yeah, she set up a charity. Big deal. If you are a billionaire, here is an idea for you to swallow: GIVE SOME OF YOUR MONEY AWAY. What the hell is a couple million dollars to a BILLIONAIRE?

So she set up a charity. For other people to give money. People who arent billionaires. Suck my ass, you cow. She could alone provide enough food for the starving people around the world, but instead, she is giving cars away to people who go see her show. Yeah, seems like a nice gesture, huh? These are brand new cars that these people now are going to have to register (which is going to be a few hundred, if not thousand, bucks) and then insure. Woo, you just cost me a shitload of money, thanks a lot! Either that, or these people are just going to turn around and sell the cars. The people who can afford to take time off from work to watch Oprah dont need the money.

What a bitch.

Winner: Oprah fucking Winfrey. And god dammit, someone has to stop her.

January 2

It has been brought to my attention that walls will not keep Mexicans from illegally entering the United States. This has been pointed out to me by the fine folks at CNN.

On Saturday, Guillermo Martinez was reportedly shot down by a U.S. agent trying to jump a wall into California. He was said to still have been on the Mexican side of the wall, but was gesturing that he was going to start throwing rocks at the agent.

Now that this news has been released, I am shocked and appalled. I thought these walls were doing a fine and dandy job until now. Never before had I heard terms like border jumper, wetback, illegal immigrant, dirty illegal immigrant Mexican, or lawn specialist. I am honestly astonished. If these 6 foot walls cant contain desperate Mexicans looking for water that isnt brown, what in the world will?

If you want my opinion, which I know you do, we should put shock collars on every Mexican and when they cross any border it sends a 12 volt shock throughout their body until they either die or make it back into Mexico.
You stay classy, internet.

December 23

In some very exciting news today, Wafah Dufour, niece of Al Qaeda leader and comically flash animated Osama bin Laden, can now be seen in the latest GQ magazine, in which she appears scantily clad. Dufour is a graduate of law, born in California and currently living in New York.

Unfortunately, these racy photos have a hidden agenda. Now call me crazy, but could this just be a way of Osama trying to get people to think hes starting to break down and accept the American way? Perhaps bin Laden has BIN HIDIN some secret mission that includes lulling the American people into a false sense of security, only to strike again? What could be next? Mount Rushmore? The kind ruminants of the Grand Canyon?

I dont trust that Wafah half as far as I can throw her. Granted, her pictures are kind of hot. A semi-nude terrorist is reason enough for me to go out and by a GQ, right? WRONG. Do you know what GQ stands for? Go Al Qaeda. Thats right. GQ is nothing but a terrorist fashion magazine.

Winner: Neither the democrats or the republicans. Were all screwed. Put your collective heads between your collective knees and kiss your collective asses goodbye.

December 19

Today, the United States Senate voted on a measure to add more visas for foreign workers. The plan would have allowed 30,000 more H1-B visas each year. It also would have allowed 90,000 more employment-based green cards that offer residency to workers.

Thankfully, this measure was dropped from the budget bill. I am a hard-working American citizen and don't need my job at the cracker factory getting taken away by some Chinese, Latino or whatever other weird thing they have these days.We've got enough of them crawling around in the basement of Wells-Fargo already, they don't need to take anymore jobs away from my fat, apathetic, slovenly cousin Ted who's idea of looking for a job is cranking one out into the classifieds.

The democrats are taking enough of our country over with their "equal opportunity" and other nonsensical jargon. I've had just about enough of my coffee order getting all sorts of flip-flopped by some Brazilian working off his visa or green card. There should be some 16 year old behind the counter, because spoiled white teenagers are multitudes more trustworthy than some beaner who has crawled his way to minimum wage just to pay the rent off his trailer and keep his wife fed so the baby doesn't bite her damn nipple off breastfeeding.

Another job well done, democracy. I imagine the American people are rejoicing tonight, as I know I will with some brandy and a burger from McDonald's made by an illegal immigrant named Pepito.